Mini Post #2 – Shame vs. Guilt

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In workshop we discussed the difference between shame and guilt. It was an eye opener. Here is a quote we used to understand the difference.

“Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is ‘I am bad.’ Guilt is, ‘I did something bad’.

“The ability to forgive oneself…is key to making art, and very possibly the key to finding any semblance of happiness in life”.

-Ann Patchett, writer

Here is what I wrote in the 20min writing session we had in class.

She pulled on the cotton candy pink shorts and matching top praying they would fit. All her fellow bridesmaids and the bride-to-be had already put their’s on. They all looked so tiny swimming in their all pink get ups. One size fits all always seemed more like russian roulette. The rules of the spa were that everyone had to wear these provided garments in the dry areas of the spa. No clothing was permitted in the wet areas. She’d be staying out of the wet areas. The shorts fit, though they were a little snug around her larger than life thighs. The top fit as well with a little tug here and there. This was a victory, one of the many silent secret battles fought in plain view.

The girls, giddy to spend this entire day being pampered, spread throughout the spa. Saunas and steam rooms, massages and whirlpools. And her favorite spot, the cushy meditation room where everyone mostly fell asleep. As the day was coming to an end she felt great. Relaxed and pleased that the day had gone so smoothly. No more battles had cropped up to test her fortitude. Until the showers.

Back in the locker room all the bridesmaids got undressed and made their way to the open concept shower area. A wet area. Towels tauntingly positioned by the exit. The shorts and shirt that just hours ago threatened to be her enemy had become a safety blanket. To rip them away now seemed cruel. The bridesmaids dumped their pink clothes in the laundry bucket on their way to the showers. “You coming?” one of them called out to her. “Yeah, just a minute, I’m gonna use the bathroom first”. Feeling cornered, she hid in a stall for what was probably too long. She needed to gather up that fortitude she thought she didn’t need today. She stripped off those pink shorts and the pink t-shirt. She took a deep breath and whispered to herself, “You got this”. She opened that stall and walked her larger than life thighs straight to those damn open concept showers.

Think about shame or guilt you have faced in your life. Have you been able to overcome those feelings or are they still something you are working on?

Let Your Emotions Be Your Guide

Here is the thing. If you are anything like me you have spent your whole life trying to avoid your emotions. Some people get thrashed up and down and left and right by their emotions, like a ship on stormy seas, but for many, its just easier to ignore them. Mask them or simply not feel them by finding ways to numb themselves or distract themselves. That’s not hard to do in our world these days. But the truth is emotions have a purpose. They are a compass that point us in the direction of things that need attention. Things within ourselves or things in our outer world. Whether you believe in a higher power, god, the universe, whatever, or not, you can at least believe in yourself. And sometimes, just like your car, your body, or your computer, your spirit needs to be checked up and maintained.

What and why are two questions that will get you started. What am I feeling and why am I feeling it. It might sound a little simplistic, but more often than not we don’t know what we are feeling, let alone why we are feeling it. So the best place to start is to identify what exactly you are feeling. Some emotions are similar to each other or like to hide in other emotions that are easier to access. For example, anger can sometimes be easier to access than say fear, or sadness. So, we may default into, “I’m angry!” when in reality we are feeling hurt in some way. If you have spent a good amount of time ignoring feelings it might be helpful to look up a list of different emotions and test some out. Here is a list to get you started.

Some people may be so tuned out to their emotions that they avoid them before they can even truly feel them. That’s ok. This is a process and the more you check in with yourself, even just at random times of the day, the more aware you will become and the more accessible your emotions will become. You might even test yourself. Take a walk, watch a movie, or listen to a song and see if any emotions stir up. Sometimes its easier to go outside of yourself, take an action, and then come back and check in with yourself.

When trying to feel your emotion get out of your head. That is not where emotions live. Thoughts live in the head, emotions live in the body. I like to imagine tuning out of my mind and placing my attention to my gut or my heart area and really trying to feel what is there. It takes some practice, but you’ll find it. Maybe you want to travel your attention throughout your body…see what feels right. Its like scanning a metal detector wand over your body, but with the intention of finding feelings.

This is literally self discovery. Be open to whatever you have to say to you!

Once you start to identify the emotions you are feeling, ask yourself why am I feeling this? Fair warning, this is not easy either. It has taken me weeks, even months to figure out why I was feeling a certain way about a situation. Be patient with yourself. Unfortunately, most of the time we don’t just have one emotion linked to one event and that’s it. It would be so much easier if it worked that way! Usually its a mix of feelings linked to an event and that event may be similar to a past event that made us feel the same way and that is linked to another event that is linked to a belief we have. Its a whole network at play and you can find yourself going down a rabbit hole. We can discuss what to do once you identify the network at play later. For now, don’t let this get out of hand and spiral and don’t try to force it. Let the discovery unfold in its own time.

Why Even Do This?

The reason we need to pinpoint our feelings and the ‘why’ behind them is because armed with that information we can steer ourselves towards what is best for us. What needs to be changed to help us feel better and healthier, mentally and physically.

This can be awkward at first, but once you give in to the process and really delve into what you are feeling a whole world opens up. Our inner worlds are such mysteries even to ourselves and a little clarity never hurts, in fact, it will actual help guide us towards healing.

Let me know if this helps at all or if you make any discoveries of your own!

Mini Post #1 – Creative Writing

In an effort to do more writing I enrolled in a writing workshop near my house. It’s called Rose Writers and I highly recommend it to anyone living in the Long Beach, Ca area. Its not like most writing workshops. There are no critiques of your work. You simply write in a supportive environment with no judgement. Many use it as a therapeutic way to express themselves. It’s actually a wonderful way to grow and explore thoughts and feelings you didn’t even know you had.

I thought it would be nice to share some of the prompts we use in class and post my writing in these mini posts. I think it would be great if you wanted to do a bit of writing and used these prompts to get the ball rolling. I know it is helping me a lot.

This and all future excerpts shared here are written in class within 5-20min writing sessions we are given. No editing will be done. Some are funny, some cut a little deeper, all are meant to be a way to explore writing and your own individual voice.

**All writing done in this workshop is considered fiction through the point of view of a narrator**

Prompt: Write about a memory of kindergarten or 1st grade

You would’t know it looking at me, but I was a very shy kid. I don’t mean that adorable kind of shy kid hiding behind her mom’s legs, sneaking a peak occasionally when it was safe. I mean vomiting all over myself from nerves and having a full blown panic attack shy. That relentlessly crying kid every morning begging not to be left at school. That was me. My kindergarten teacher, Mrs. C, was very patient. She was sweet and had long hair down to her knees that flowed in the breeze while she swung on the swings urging me to join her. Fat chance Mrs. C! I’d rather tremble with anxiety right here on the bench, thank you very much. One day we were given the assignment to trace our hand on a piece of paper and cut it out to make turkeys or some shit, I don’t know. What I did know was the bell had rung and I was out of there. I could see my dad outside the door waiting for me.

Now, the next bit is a little fuzzy, but apparently Mrs. C told me I needed to finish cutting out my hand and then I could go. Unfathomably, my dad agreed. The traitor. This had become a full blown hostage situation. Mrs. C wanted my traced hand cut out and I would not be returned to my parent until she got it. I bawled while holding that flimsy piece of paper in one hand, desperately trying to get a hold of myself so I could make those damn safety scissors work. I could hear my dad encouraging me from just outside the door. Sweet man had no idea the life long emotional scar this moment would become for me.

I guess I finally cut out my hand because I did make it home that day. 5 was a tough year for me. I’m proud to say that I made it out of kindergarten. The crying had stopped and I can look back at that school year with peace. I’ll never know whatever became of Mrs. C, but I want her to know I forgive her.

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What Even Is This?

Hi. Welcome. So, a couple of things. I am starting a journey of self improvement and figuring out who I am and where I’m going in this life. You know, nothing major, and I decided to document it and put it out here to inspire people in the same boat and maybe help people feel not so alone through their own struggles.*Inner Critic Warning* Already I’m starting to feel guilt and resistance to writing this because I’m not sick, I’m not in a terrible living situation, I haven’t had a great loss, or any of the thousands of things that are actual “struggles”, especially in today’s world with all the horrible things going on all over. I’m feeling like this is stupid and I should grow up, shut up, and keep my thoughts to myself. But, I’m going to push forward anyway.

A little backstory…

Since the age of 12, I have been told by not 1, not 2, not even 3, but countless psychics (we’ll get into my personal addiction to psychics later) that I will write. That my purpose in life is to write and reach people…so let’s see if that pans out. Of course none of them could tell me what exactly I would write or how I would get over my crippling doubt when it comes to writing, just that I would write. For years I racked my brain for what to write: a novel, a play, a movie…it all seemed so huge and so difficult. And so, I haven’t really written anything and I’m frustrated because nothing in my life really feels in place and I have this nagging voice in my head reminding me that I am supposed to be writing. But I have no idea how to start. So a few months ago, I’m thinking in the shower (where I do some of my best thinking) and I think about how funny it would be if I wrote a book about being told to write a book by all these psychics. Kind of a “Here is your damn book!” I laughed out loud. It felt right and the pressure was lifted a bit. So here I am. No this isn’t a book. Its more like gathering pieces to one day, maybe, write that book. And maybe share some stories, soothe some souls, and learn a thing or two along the way.

Topic of the Day: Feeling Stuck and Commitment Issues

I am 33 years old and thus far I have felt that I’ve been going through life with the parking break on. I have seen a number of friends really transform their lives with the help of therapy, but always thought that I was self aware enough to solve my own problems. Well, that was a nice idea, but having yet another friend get a promotion, get married and/or have a baby, or move into an awesome new house really makes a person rethink some things. I wasn’t doing any of those things. And I wasn’t happy about it, so I found myself a therapist. And she is awesome! Within a month she nonchalantly told me that I avoid commitment basically all the time and that’s why things don’t move forward easily. Say what?!?! I honestly felt my brain explode. This was news to me. I’m a hard worker, I love my family and friends and am always there for them, sure my relationships never work out, but that’s not my fault…is it? I’m not a commitment-phobe…am I?

I did some research on commitment and I learned a lot! The easiest way to think of it is that commitment is what you are willing to put your energy into. If you are willing to put your energy into something you are committing to that thing. Sometimes, especially to me, it feels like things are taking your energy rather than you giving your energy to them and that’s where commitment issues come into play. People who feel like things take their energy begin to avoid those things. I.E. relationships, job opportunities, exercise regimens. If you want to dig a little deeper, there are control dynamics that come into play as well. By keeping yourself free from commitment it feels like you have more control of your life or yourself. I recommend watching this video by Teal Swan on youtube. It helped me to understand commitment and is helping me move past my own road blocks. Slowly, but I’m doing it. I hope you’ll follow along and maybe take steps toward things you want to change in your own life.

Step 1: Commit to something…literally anything

If you watched the video, you know that you can’t really live your life with no commitment. You are committed to something, you just don’t know it. If you’re like me, your commitment has been to your own sense of freedom and control. Which looks like non-commitment to basically everything else. So I decided to start small. I paid too much money and joined a Pilates gym. Here is the thing, I’ve joined gyms before and I just don’t go. I’m willing to have $10-$20 taken out of my account for the off chance that I want to go. Not very high risk or motivating. But with this gym, I’m paying $100 (which I don’t really have) which raises the stakes and you have to make an appointment to go, which raises the motivation, because someone is waiting for you to show up. If you don’t show, they charge you even more for missing the class. This is a “put my money where my typing fingers are” situation. I singed up for 3 months and I have now gone to 2 classes. And get this, one of them was at 6:30 in the morning! Never in my 33 years have I ever gotten up that early to work out. And I gotta say, it wasn’t bad. Its a small step, but man, its one that’s taken me years to even attempt. I’ll keep you posted on how my commitment to this goes. Maybe there is something small you’d like to commit to. Just as an experiment. See what happens.