Go Fill Yourself

As I’ve been thinking about taking more action in my own life, and truthfully feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted by the idea, I thought about the concept of budgeting time and energy the way we (should) budget money. Where does our energy go everyday? How about every month? Can we create more energy?

Thinking about creating more energy gave way to a realization. When I am really motivated to do something I have the energy I need. I am pushed to do it without needing to convince myself or force myself. It actually feels good to do it, and in that way it is easy to get started and stay committed to the task at hand. What is that about?

As I’ve come to know for sure, your feelings never lie. They tell you everything you need to know, if you just listen. Energy is no different. When something drains your energy, that is telling you something. And when something pumps you up, or at the very least doesn’t pull you down, that is telling you something as well.

We’ve all heard the idea to “Follow your joy” or “Follow your bliss”…I think the more accurate advice should be to “Follow what sparks you”. Think about it. When was the last time you did something that sparked you, that gave you a little zap of energy, inspiration, or just excitement? What made you curious or moved you to get up and DO something?

I once spoke with a therapist and she told me about different aspects that make up a person’s life and how we must consciously contribute to each aspect in order to feel more fulfilled. Kind of like paying the bills for your house, you need the lights, the water, the rent, the internet, and each one needs to be paid monthly to keep your house running. Same goes for your life. The different aspects need you to pay them some attention, time and energy, to keep your life running at its fullest.

I have mapped out a few aspects that could use a little time and energy in my own life. And seeing what it would be like if I added a bit more time and energy into each or even just one and see if I feel any difference. I invite you do try it out too.

I think a lot of us put a lot of time an energy into maybe one or two of these aspects and possibly no time and energy into a couple of these aspects. And yet, all play a roll in our lives and all are important to fully rounding out who we are as people. I think some of it also has to do with what is in our comfort zone and what isn’t. I know I can easily put time and energy into mental health and learning, but really devoting time to my physical health and nutrition is much more challenging. I’m sure everyone can relate to some of these aspects being more challenging than others to pay attention to.

So, for the next month or so, I am going to make an effort to find what sparks me in each of these categories and follow that spark into action! Maybe you want to see what sparks you too?

Dropping the Ball

It has been a year, almost to the day since I wrote a post. Why is that? Got busy? Forgot? Made other things a bigger priority? Nope…in an effort to practice what I preach, the radical honesty of it is…I let my own insecurities derail me. I became embarrassed (ashamed maybe) of putting myself and my thoughts out there. I started feelings like I didn’t really know what I wanted this to be or if I was brave enough to keep going in order to find out. I dropped the ball in a game against myself.

In college I took a bunch of acting classes and in one of those classes we were given this b0ok. The Inner Game of Tennis by W. Timothy Gallwey. Why give a bunch of theater nerds a book about professional level tennis techniques? Because no matter if the game you are playing is championship tennis, office politics, or just trying to get through writing a blog post, every game is at its core, a game with yourself. Or, according to this book, your inner 2 selves. The one who wants to do something and knows how to do it, and the one who is doubtful, chatty, and more often than not, in the way. This book really breaks down how to differentiate your two selves and keep the chatty one busy, so the doing one can actually do the doing. I recommend checking it out!

All of us, even those at the top of our game, have moments where our head gets in the way of us DOING. Sometimes our mind becomes a run away train of “I can’t. I’m not good enough” and “What will people think”. Sometimes its even more tricky and throws out “Let’s practice more or take another class before really trying” or “I’m not ready yet, I’ll do it when I feel its the right time”. But we all know that doesn’t exist. There is no magical time when we will suddenly feel comfortable, confident, or “ready”. Those feelings come after the doing has already started.

Let me say that again, for myself, as well as anyone reading. Feelings of comfort, confidence and readiness come AFTER the doing. You have to bring your doubt, your fear, your discomfort with you when you take the first step. Acknowledge them, give them a pep talk and bring them along. That’s what I am going to try to do this year. Take more action steps and if my challenging feelings insist on sticking around, then they can come along for the ride.

Being

Being, as in human being. But also, spiritual being. How much of us is human and how much is spirit? That is a thought I have been focusing on this week. I am a product of Catholic school. Aside from a couple of years in elementary school, I spent my whole adolescence being taught catholicism. Now that I have started this spiritual journey, I have been recalling some of those teachings. One in particular is the teaching that Jesus was both human and divine. That is what set him apart. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I do not want to diminish Jesus’ position, but I believe we are all human and divine. I also believe that we teeter between the two and struggle to find a balance. Or maybe, more accurately, struggle to integrate both sides into one complete being.

I think for the majority of people the struggle is to become fully connected to your spirit side. Especially in today’s world with so much going on all the time, its hard to disconnect and find your spirit self, let alone thrive in your spirit self. But for some, myself included, connecting with your spirit self becomes the focal point of life. Its easier in some sense than connecting with the human side. That’s where the trouble starts. The journey into spirituality morphs from being a noble pursuit into an attempt to escape your human self all together. Life is hard, who wouldn’t want to escape into a world of peace and joy, or at least the quest to find those things. Non-spiritual people do it all the time with drugs, alcohol, or whatever addiction strikes their fancy, the options are limitless. Spirituality is better than those, right? I’m not so sure.

A thought snuck in that seemed to give me an answer. I studied acting in college and through those years I learned about two very well known acting teachers with different techniques used to create a character. One was Stanislavski, who taught about starting from the inner world of the character. Feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc. (Sound familiar? :P) The other was Chekov who believed you could build your character from the outside in by putting on their clothes, walking a certain way, finding physicalities unique to this new character, and letting that guide you.

What these two techniques have in common are that they both lead to the same destination. A fully realized character. Neither is right or wrong, they are as good as the actor applying the technique. And no character is complete until you fill in both their inner world and their outer world. So, with that realization, I think I’ve come to a new understanding. As long as you are not wallowing in the technique so much so that you lose sight of the goal at hand, it does not matter if you start from the outside, the human side, or the inside, the spiritual side. The destination is a full fledged being, both human and divine. Eventually you will need to incorporate the other side anyway. It just takes a little awareness to work on both sides and keep your eye on the destination of being.

Mini Post #6: Saying Goodbye

This week we said goodbye to our old lady, our dog, Leila. She always had attitude, took every opportunity to be a rebel. If she wasn’t a dog, she would have been a brash, no nonsense woman who drank red wine and smoked cigarettes while giving you her many critiques on things you didn’t ask about. I know this because she lapped up spilled red wine and had a penchant for cigarette butts. And let me tell you, she let you know exactly what she thought about everything.

Animals are such a gift and I am grateful to have had such a badass one as my furry companion for the last 18yrs.

In workshop some weeks ago we wrote about “A Ritual Gone Wrong” and I thought it might be fitting here.

With so much love, goodbye you tiny little diva. ❤🍷🚬

“Technically this is illegal you know. Throwing ashes off the pier.”

“It’ll only take a minute, come on!”

I begrudgingly grabbed the Trader Joe’s bag and got out of the car. Flowers, a fig, her favorite fruit, and a jar with all that was left of her inside.

“Isn’t it beautiful? Perfect timing, look at that sunset.”

“People are looking at us.”

“Stop worrying, it’s fine.”

We reached the end of the pier or as far as we could get. A large fence cut off the path. DUE TO CONSTRUCTION THIS AREA WILL BE RESTRICTED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else.”

“No, no, this is fine. This was her favorite spot. Give me the bag.”

She handed me a couple of flowers and took a couple for herself.

“We love you and we miss you.”

She throws her flowers in the water.

“Love you”

I throw my flowers over the edge and quickly glance around for witnesses.

“Okay, throw in the ashes and let’s go.”

“Wait, I want to throw in the fig.”

“Ugh, ok”

She grabs the fig and tosses it over. Now the reason we came. The jar.

“Do you want to do it together?”

“No, you go ahead”

She holds the jar for what seems like forever. Tearing up, she dumps it all. The wind takes a lot of it, but the rest gets carried out to sea.

“Goodbye, you’re always in our hearts”

As we grab the Trader Joe’s bag and start to leave, a huge flock of pigeons fly over the fence and I get a special offering of my own, right on my head.

Laughter

“That’s definitely from her! Stop worrying so much!”

I got the message loud and clear.

Get Out of Your Head and Get Into Your Body

I mentioned before that I have been detached from my emotions for a very long time and am just now starting to reconnect with them. As the process has started to unfold, I’m learning its not as easy in practice as it is in theory. And that got me thinking…which is not helpful! Thinking is great, don’t get me wrong, but there is so much of this life that is too big to be encompassed by thinking. It has to be felt. Feeling is much bigger than thinking can ever be. Thinking happens in your head. Feeling happens in your entire body, through the levels of physical sensations as well as inner emotions and intuition. So, following that to its logical conclusion, you cannot fully feel this life without your body, physical and emotional. I should say, you cannot fully LIVE this life without your body. And so, being detached from your body is being detached from life itself.

If there is anything that I have been more disconnected with than my emotions, its my body. For most of my life my body has just been the thing that gets me, my mind, from place to place. I feed it, I bathe it, I do what it needs to be maintained, but for the most part I am not connected to it. In fact, I basically ignore it for much of the day, preferring to spend as much time as I can distracting myself with outside things or mental escapes. I now know, that is neglect. I have neglected myself. I would never dream of neglecting someone I love or a pet, or even my work. So why has it been not only easy, but a preference to neglect myself?? Ahh, there is a hard-hitting question.

I think you have probably guessed it by now. SELF LOVE. Or actually, the lack of it. That’s the root. And as always, the door you keep so tightly closed, is the door that holds the way out.

This brings me to getting reacquainted with my body. There is a great film called “Little Miss Sunshine” that is just spectacular. It hits so many emotions and is definitely teaches lessons in a lovely sugar coating. There is one scene in particular that has stuck with me over the years that is a perfect demonstration of how the body is a way in to your emotions. Frank, played by Steve Carell, has recently tried to kill himself because he lost his love to a career and intellectual rival. He is depressed and is forced to stay with his sister and her family because he cannot be trusted not to harm himself again. The family embarks on a road trip in an old VW van that cannot turn on without a running start. And so, the family must push the van until it hits enough speed to get the engine going. One by one, the characters have to run and jump into the van once they’ve got it started.

Unfortunately, this clip ends right before the moment that is so enlightening. I will do my best to find it and add it later.

Once everyone is in, you can see Frank in the most exuberant state. He is out of breath, he is smiling the biggest smile, and for a moment, he seems to forget that he is depressed. His wrists are still bandaged, but somehow, in this moment, he is the most alive he’s been in a very long time. He shouts “No man left behind! No man left behind! Yes, soldier!” In that moment, he has exerted himself, he was part of a team, and he was connected to himself and his emotions.

I know that there are proponents out there who believe that physical exercise can be the answer to mental or emotional problems. I do not believe that. I believe that physical exercise can be a way to reconnect with mental or emotional problems so that you are more easily able to access what needs to happen in order to feel better. And that’s the point, of everything, of all of this. It is to simply feel better.

So, I will be incorporating more time devoted to reconnecting to my body in a positive way in this spiritual journey. I want to approach my body with love, curiosity, and an openness to feel whatever it wants to feel. I will report back. You should too!

Mini Post #5: Close your eyes

Writer’s block. We sat in front of her computer screen. Writing. But the writing had come to a stop. What comes next? What should that character say? We stared silently. She put her hand over my face. “Do it”, she urged. “I can’t” I said. “Yes, you can” she said as she pushed my head down onto the desk. “Go to your place”.

I didn’t have a place, per se. It was more like closing my eyes and watching. Waiting for a scene to appear. You see the work already is. I just watch and listen and try to catch it.

So I did as she asked. I closed my eyes. I waited. Allowed my mind to go still, hold its breath so as not to scare the work away. It took some time, but the picture began to appear. Faint at first, but the colors began to saturate as the sound of the next lines reverberated silently in my head.

It worked. It always did. But somehow I always forgot.

We all have our ‘place’ just behind out eye lids. Everything you could ever need is back there. The answer to any question, any blank spot, any block. Close your eyes, invite the stillness, and wait.

Mini Post #4 – Solace

We were given a photo and asked to write whatever came. This isn’t the exact photo, but it is similar. It was a wooded forest with light coming in through the trees. Here is what came.

Did you ever notice that solitude sounds like solace. 
I suppose they can go together. 
Finding peace, alone, among the trees. 
I've come here to be alone and in a way it's peaceful. 
But I'm not running towards peaceful. 
It's more like running away from not peaceful. 
Running away from not alone. 
Solitude is a hiding spot. 
Perfectly masked by these great big shadows cast by these great big trees. 
Streaks of sunlight busting though leaves, giving just enough light to chase away the 
monsters. 
If there are monsters. 
Passers by pass on by and for now I like it that way. 
Don't disturb the solitude built limb by limb. 
A cage to some, a shelter to others. 
Others like me, hiding from one another, 
Wearing their solitude like armor. 
I know they are there because I am here, among the trees.

Radical Honesty: Let’s Get Vulnerable!

What is meant by radical honesty?  Radical honesty means you not only identify what your are feeling and why you are feeling it, but also get vulnerable and link that ‘why’ to the deeper why. Here is an example to clarify that point. Say you have a pang of jealousy when your best friend makes a new friend. You identify the emotion: jealousy. You identify the why: because you fear losing your friend. Radical honesty would be to identify the deeper why: that you feel you are not enough and fear being abandoned and replaced. Maybe you’ve experienced something similar in the past and this reopens an old wound. With radical honesty you challenge yourself to dig deep and own your fears, insecurities, and past pain. Trust me, I know its not easy. But I also guarantee that the clarity you uncover is the only way to really move past emotions you want to resolve. 

Now I also want to make a point that radical honesty does not mean getting into a victim frame of mind. It is meant to be used as a tool to build yourself up, not tear yourself down. 

Just because you may be feeling a low or negative emotion does not mean you always will. The goal is to take the sting out of that deeper why so it doesn’t produce those negative emotions. So how do we go about taking the sting out? Let those emotions hit the air. They have to come out, whether directly to someone, into a journal, through physical exercise, or in some form of artistic expression. 

Since delving into my own emotions like never before I’m not only learning about what I’m feeling, but also learning how to more honestly and openly share them. That is a huge achievement for me and I am noticing that there are some positive side effects that I get from doing that other than just working through my emotions. It’s enabling me to connect with people and also create more understanding, especially during arguments. Here is an example of what I mean.

My roommate is my sister, so we already have a closer bond than a typical roommate situation. We have a wine holder on the wall, so its both a practical place to hold wine, and also kind of acts like an art piece on the wall. Recently, my sister and her new boyfriend have been drinking wine more regularly. One day, I came down and saw that there was an empty space in the wine holder, so I went to our stash of wine in our cabinet and replaced it. I chose to replace it with a bottle of wine that was a gift from a friend for my birthday. A couple days later, that bottle of wine was gone too. I asked my sister if she drank that bottle. She said yes, and that she didn’t realize it was mine and she would replace it. I told her it was fine, but that I didn’t want her to replace it because it was a gift and so it was more about the sentiment than the wine itself. She got defensive and we started to argue. It was dumb. But about halfway through, I realized, I wasn’t mad about the wine. I was mad because I felt left out. I saw bottles of wine being drunk and because I have not had an occasion to drink them felt like I didn’t matter. 

Normally, that would be a super embarrassing thing to admit. But, I said it out loud. For the first time, I wanted to be heard and understood instead of being right. So, I blurted it out. And you know what? It worked. My sister looked at me and something clicked. She wasn’t defensive anymore, I wasn’t mad anymore, we were just cool. She has been more aware of replacing wines she drinks, offering me a glass if I’m around, and I know that in those small gestures I’m being reassured that I do matter. 

I’m not going to lie, sometimes when you spell out your emotions like this it all seems so trivial. But, its the only way to build up your own emotional strength. Just like a muscle, you gotta work it out to get healthier. 

Mini Post #3 – What Matters?

The very first workshop I attended, this was the very first prompt. It’s a big question. But also, simple, if you really think about it. Here is what I came up with.

There are so many things that matter to so many people. All different, all individual. But what should matter, to everyone, I think, is kindness. Kindness doesn’t mean niceness, that’s a different thing entirely. Kindness with yourself above all. I guess it all comes down to love in one form or another. Love can hide in harsh words and it can be in grand gestures. Kindness is taking care in what you do and say. It’s an awareness that others exist as wholly as you do. Everything else can fall into place if your first step is kind.

It’s a challenge, don’t get me wrong. But then again all the most important things are. All the most powerful things are. Imagine, just for a second, how differently moments in your life would have played out if you could have stopped whatever direction you were going and thought, “now, what would be the kind way to do this, say this, be this?” You could still be the boss, the bitch, the boss bitch, but do it kindly, knowing you thought about the other person as much as you did about yourself.

What are your thoughts on what matters? Do you agree or disagree with this stance on kindness. Have you every been put in a position where kindness was a challenge? Please share in the comments.

Be Your Own Interrogator

Just like an interrogator’s job is to get to the bottom of something, to get the truth out, you have to approach yourself in the same way. The more I learn about self awareness and self improvement the more it’s become evident that we as humans have a very interesting relationship with ourselves. We, more often than not, have no idea what we want, why we feel certain ways about certain things, or even who we truly are. It’s really strange to think that I don’t know why I feel something, but to take it a little further, sometimes I don’t even know what I am feeling. 

First and foremost, this is a discussion. I am in no way a doctor and anything I share is solely from my own experience. Please seek the care of a licensed professional if you feel you need to. As I mentioned in my last post, LET YOUR EMOTIONS BE YOUR GUIDE, I am notorious for hiding things, ie feelings, from myself. In that post I gave some advice on how to feel your emotions. Once you identify how you feel you can move on to figuring out why you feel that way. Now this might seem a little strange, but I have found that talking things out with myself really helps me clarify a situation and my feelings towards it, or at least start the process of clarifying. When I say talk things out with myself, I mean exactly that. I usually do this in the car, when I have a long drive, or in the shower. Basically, somewhere I can be alone and won’t be interrupted and that I find relaxing. You can pick wherever you feel most comfortable. Once you are in a good spot, think about the situation that has you feeling something. Get yourself to feel that emotion. Once you are there, literally ask yourself in 3rd person, “Why are you feeling this?”. It sounds crazy, I know, but it opens up a dialogue with yourself. Here is an example of how a conversation with yourself might go.

  • –Ugh, I’m so pissed off!
  • -Why are you feeling this?
  • –Because its not fair!
  • -What’s not fair?
  • –Its not fair that my co-worker is getting rewarded for something I did!
  • -Why is that pissing you off?
  • –Because I work my ass off and nobody notices, and she comes in at the last minute, does one thing, and suddenly she’s getting praised.
  • -So, are you mad at your co-worker, or mad that you aren’t getting the credit?
  • –Both, I guess. More that I’m not getting the credit.
  • -So are you mad or are you hurt? Hurt that no one is noticing your work?
  • –Hurt, I suppose. 
  • -And who are you hurt by? Your co-worker, your boss?
  • –I’m kinda hurt by my co-worker. She should have said something. Even a thank you would have been nice! But she just took the praise and didn’t say anything!

Ok, so that is obviously a simple example and things don’t flow that easily usually, but hopefully it got the point across. If you question yourself and the reasons behind what is causing you a certain emotion you will often find that there is more under the surface that what might initially present itself. This is where phase 2 comes in. Phase 2 is the fun part where you can confront the person or people that have caused an emotion without having to actually confront them. This is especially beneficial when you can’t say these things to the person, maybe they are not physically around, there are consequences for saying certain things, like to a superior at work, or you just need to get some things off your chest or further explore feelings without going as far as starting a fight.

Out loud say what you need to say to that person or people. Imagine what they might say and respond back. You will feel a little crazy at first, but if you allow yourself to get into it you will open yourself up to discover thoughts and feelings you didn’t know were there. Sometimes you will even understand the other person’s point of view better when you allow yourself to play both sides of the conversation. 

No, this doesn’t directly solve your problem. What it does is clarify what the problem actually is. It will help you process whatever issue is coming up for you and will help you navigate the feelings that come along with the issue. And honestly, its just helps you feel better for the time being. It feels good to let out some of the unspoken chatter that gets stuck in our head sometimes. 

Let me know if you try this out and if it helps you at all. Or if you have other methods of getting to the root of an issue please share!