Hi. Welcome. So, a couple of things. I am starting a journey of self improvement and figuring out who I am and where I’m going in this life. You know, nothing major, and I decided to document it and put it out here to inspire people in the same boat and maybe help people feel not so alone through their own struggles.*Inner Critic Warning* Already I’m starting to feel guilt and resistance to writing this because I’m not sick, I’m not in a terrible living situation, I haven’t had a great loss, or any of the thousands of things that are actual “struggles”, especially in today’s world with all the horrible things going on all over. I’m feeling like this is stupid and I should grow up, shut up, and keep my thoughts to myself. But, I’m going to push forward anyway.
A little backstory…
Since the age of 12, I have been told by not 1, not 2, not even 3, but countless psychics (we’ll get into my personal addiction to psychics later) that I will write. That my purpose in life is to write and reach people…so let’s see if that pans out. Of course none of them could tell me what exactly I would write or how I would get over my crippling doubt when it comes to writing, just that I would write. For years I racked my brain for what to write: a novel, a play, a movie…it all seemed so huge and so difficult. And so, I haven’t really written anything and I’m frustrated because nothing in my life really feels in place and I have this nagging voice in my head reminding me that I am supposed to be writing. But I have no idea how to start. So a few months ago, I’m thinking in the shower (where I do some of my best thinking) and I think about how funny it would be if I wrote a book about being told to write a book by all these psychics. Kind of a “Here is your damn book!” I laughed out loud. It felt right and the pressure was lifted a bit. So here I am. No this isn’t a book. Its more like gathering pieces to one day, maybe, write that book. And maybe share some stories, soothe some souls, and learn a thing or two along the way.
Topic of the Day: Feeling Stuck and Commitment Issues
I am 33 years old and thus far I have felt that I’ve been going through life with the parking break on. I have seen a number of friends really transform their lives with the help of therapy, but always thought that I was self aware enough to solve my own problems. Well, that was a nice idea, but having yet another friend get a promotion, get married and/or have a baby, or move into an awesome new house really makes a person rethink some things. I wasn’t doing any of those things. And I wasn’t happy about it, so I found myself a therapist. And she is awesome! Within a month she nonchalantly told me that I avoid commitment basically all the time and that’s why things don’t move forward easily. Say what?!?! I honestly felt my brain explode. This was news to me. I’m a hard worker, I love my family and friends and am always there for them, sure my relationships never work out, but that’s not my fault…is it? I’m not a commitment-phobe…am I?
I did some research on commitment and I learned a lot! The easiest way to think of it is that commitment is what you are willing to put your energy into. If you are willing to put your energy into something you are committing to that thing. Sometimes, especially to me, it feels like things are taking your energy rather than you giving your energy to them and that’s where commitment issues come into play. People who feel like things take their energy begin to avoid those things. I.E. relationships, job opportunities, exercise regimens. If you want to dig a little deeper, there are control dynamics that come into play as well. By keeping yourself free from commitment it feels like you have more control of your life or yourself. I recommend watching this video by Teal Swan on youtube. It helped me to understand commitment and is helping me move past my own road blocks. Slowly, but I’m doing it. I hope you’ll follow along and maybe take steps toward things you want to change in your own life.
Step 1: Commit to something…literally anything
If you watched the video, you know that you can’t really live your life with no commitment. You are committed to something, you just don’t know it. If you’re like me, your commitment has been to your own sense of freedom and control. Which looks like non-commitment to basically everything else. So I decided to start small. I paid too much money and joined a Pilates gym. Here is the thing, I’ve joined gyms before and I just don’t go. I’m willing to have $10-$20 taken out of my account for the off chance that I want to go. Not very high risk or motivating. But with this gym, I’m paying $100 (which I don’t really have) which raises the stakes and you have to make an appointment to go, which raises the motivation, because someone is waiting for you to show up. If you don’t show, they charge you even more for missing the class. This is a “put my money where my typing fingers are” situation. I singed up for 3 months and I have now gone to 2 classes. And get this, one of them was at 6:30 in the morning! Never in my 33 years have I ever gotten up that early to work out. And I gotta say, it wasn’t bad. Its a small step, but man, its one that’s taken me years to even attempt. I’ll keep you posted on how my commitment to this goes. Maybe there is something small you’d like to commit to. Just as an experiment. See what happens.
Spiritual Therapy...a journey 