Being

Being, as in human being. But also, spiritual being. How much of us is human and how much is spirit? That is a thought I have been focusing on this week. I am a product of Catholic school. Aside from a couple of years in elementary school, I spent my whole adolescence being taught catholicism. Now that I have started this spiritual journey, I have been recalling some of those teachings. One in particular is the teaching that Jesus was both human and divine. That is what set him apart. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I do not want to diminish Jesus’ position, but I believe we are all human and divine. I also believe that we teeter between the two and struggle to find a balance. Or maybe, more accurately, struggle to integrate both sides into one complete being.

I think for the majority of people the struggle is to become fully connected to your spirit side. Especially in today’s world with so much going on all the time, its hard to disconnect and find your spirit self, let alone thrive in your spirit self. But for some, myself included, connecting with your spirit self becomes the focal point of life. Its easier in some sense than connecting with the human side. That’s where the trouble starts. The journey into spirituality morphs from being a noble pursuit into an attempt to escape your human self all together. Life is hard, who wouldn’t want to escape into a world of peace and joy, or at least the quest to find those things. Non-spiritual people do it all the time with drugs, alcohol, or whatever addiction strikes their fancy, the options are limitless. Spirituality is better than those, right? I’m not so sure.

A thought snuck in that seemed to give me an answer. I studied acting in college and through those years I learned about two very well known acting teachers with different techniques used to create a character. One was Stanislavski, who taught about starting from the inner world of the character. Feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc. (Sound familiar? :P) The other was Chekov who believed you could build your character from the outside in by putting on their clothes, walking a certain way, finding physicalities unique to this new character, and letting that guide you.

What these two techniques have in common are that they both lead to the same destination. A fully realized character. Neither is right or wrong, they are as good as the actor applying the technique. And no character is complete until you fill in both their inner world and their outer world. So, with that realization, I think I’ve come to a new understanding. As long as you are not wallowing in the technique so much so that you lose sight of the goal at hand, it does not matter if you start from the outside, the human side, or the inside, the spiritual side. The destination is a full fledged being, both human and divine. Eventually you will need to incorporate the other side anyway. It just takes a little awareness to work on both sides and keep your eye on the destination of being.

Mini Post #6: Saying Goodbye

This week we said goodbye to our old lady, our dog, Leila. She always had attitude, took every opportunity to be a rebel. If she wasn’t a dog, she would have been a brash, no nonsense woman who drank red wine and smoked cigarettes while giving you her many critiques on things you didn’t ask about. I know this because she lapped up spilled red wine and had a penchant for cigarette butts. And let me tell you, she let you know exactly what she thought about everything.

Animals are such a gift and I am grateful to have had such a badass one as my furry companion for the last 18yrs.

In workshop some weeks ago we wrote about “A Ritual Gone Wrong” and I thought it might be fitting here.

With so much love, goodbye you tiny little diva. ❤🍷🚬

“Technically this is illegal you know. Throwing ashes off the pier.”

“It’ll only take a minute, come on!”

I begrudgingly grabbed the Trader Joe’s bag and got out of the car. Flowers, a fig, her favorite fruit, and a jar with all that was left of her inside.

“Isn’t it beautiful? Perfect timing, look at that sunset.”

“People are looking at us.”

“Stop worrying, it’s fine.”

We reached the end of the pier or as far as we could get. A large fence cut off the path. DUE TO CONSTRUCTION THIS AREA WILL BE RESTRICTED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else.”

“No, no, this is fine. This was her favorite spot. Give me the bag.”

She handed me a couple of flowers and took a couple for herself.

“We love you and we miss you.”

She throws her flowers in the water.

“Love you”

I throw my flowers over the edge and quickly glance around for witnesses.

“Okay, throw in the ashes and let’s go.”

“Wait, I want to throw in the fig.”

“Ugh, ok”

She grabs the fig and tosses it over. Now the reason we came. The jar.

“Do you want to do it together?”

“No, you go ahead”

She holds the jar for what seems like forever. Tearing up, she dumps it all. The wind takes a lot of it, but the rest gets carried out to sea.

“Goodbye, you’re always in our hearts”

As we grab the Trader Joe’s bag and start to leave, a huge flock of pigeons fly over the fence and I get a special offering of my own, right on my head.

Laughter

“That’s definitely from her! Stop worrying so much!”

I got the message loud and clear.

Mini Post #3 – What Matters?

The very first workshop I attended, this was the very first prompt. It’s a big question. But also, simple, if you really think about it. Here is what I came up with.

There are so many things that matter to so many people. All different, all individual. But what should matter, to everyone, I think, is kindness. Kindness doesn’t mean niceness, that’s a different thing entirely. Kindness with yourself above all. I guess it all comes down to love in one form or another. Love can hide in harsh words and it can be in grand gestures. Kindness is taking care in what you do and say. It’s an awareness that others exist as wholly as you do. Everything else can fall into place if your first step is kind.

It’s a challenge, don’t get me wrong. But then again all the most important things are. All the most powerful things are. Imagine, just for a second, how differently moments in your life would have played out if you could have stopped whatever direction you were going and thought, “now, what would be the kind way to do this, say this, be this?” You could still be the boss, the bitch, the boss bitch, but do it kindly, knowing you thought about the other person as much as you did about yourself.

What are your thoughts on what matters? Do you agree or disagree with this stance on kindness. Have you every been put in a position where kindness was a challenge? Please share in the comments.

What Even Is This?

Hi. Welcome. So, a couple of things. I am starting a journey of self improvement and figuring out who I am and where I’m going in this life. You know, nothing major, and I decided to document it and put it out here to inspire people in the same boat and maybe help people feel not so alone through their own struggles.*Inner Critic Warning* Already I’m starting to feel guilt and resistance to writing this because I’m not sick, I’m not in a terrible living situation, I haven’t had a great loss, or any of the thousands of things that are actual “struggles”, especially in today’s world with all the horrible things going on all over. I’m feeling like this is stupid and I should grow up, shut up, and keep my thoughts to myself. But, I’m going to push forward anyway.

A little backstory…

Since the age of 12, I have been told by not 1, not 2, not even 3, but countless psychics (we’ll get into my personal addiction to psychics later) that I will write. That my purpose in life is to write and reach people…so let’s see if that pans out. Of course none of them could tell me what exactly I would write or how I would get over my crippling doubt when it comes to writing, just that I would write. For years I racked my brain for what to write: a novel, a play, a movie…it all seemed so huge and so difficult. And so, I haven’t really written anything and I’m frustrated because nothing in my life really feels in place and I have this nagging voice in my head reminding me that I am supposed to be writing. But I have no idea how to start. So a few months ago, I’m thinking in the shower (where I do some of my best thinking) and I think about how funny it would be if I wrote a book about being told to write a book by all these psychics. Kind of a “Here is your damn book!” I laughed out loud. It felt right and the pressure was lifted a bit. So here I am. No this isn’t a book. Its more like gathering pieces to one day, maybe, write that book. And maybe share some stories, soothe some souls, and learn a thing or two along the way.

Topic of the Day: Feeling Stuck and Commitment Issues

I am 33 years old and thus far I have felt that I’ve been going through life with the parking break on. I have seen a number of friends really transform their lives with the help of therapy, but always thought that I was self aware enough to solve my own problems. Well, that was a nice idea, but having yet another friend get a promotion, get married and/or have a baby, or move into an awesome new house really makes a person rethink some things. I wasn’t doing any of those things. And I wasn’t happy about it, so I found myself a therapist. And she is awesome! Within a month she nonchalantly told me that I avoid commitment basically all the time and that’s why things don’t move forward easily. Say what?!?! I honestly felt my brain explode. This was news to me. I’m a hard worker, I love my family and friends and am always there for them, sure my relationships never work out, but that’s not my fault…is it? I’m not a commitment-phobe…am I?

I did some research on commitment and I learned a lot! The easiest way to think of it is that commitment is what you are willing to put your energy into. If you are willing to put your energy into something you are committing to that thing. Sometimes, especially to me, it feels like things are taking your energy rather than you giving your energy to them and that’s where commitment issues come into play. People who feel like things take their energy begin to avoid those things. I.E. relationships, job opportunities, exercise regimens. If you want to dig a little deeper, there are control dynamics that come into play as well. By keeping yourself free from commitment it feels like you have more control of your life or yourself. I recommend watching this video by Teal Swan on youtube. It helped me to understand commitment and is helping me move past my own road blocks. Slowly, but I’m doing it. I hope you’ll follow along and maybe take steps toward things you want to change in your own life.

Step 1: Commit to something…literally anything

If you watched the video, you know that you can’t really live your life with no commitment. You are committed to something, you just don’t know it. If you’re like me, your commitment has been to your own sense of freedom and control. Which looks like non-commitment to basically everything else. So I decided to start small. I paid too much money and joined a Pilates gym. Here is the thing, I’ve joined gyms before and I just don’t go. I’m willing to have $10-$20 taken out of my account for the off chance that I want to go. Not very high risk or motivating. But with this gym, I’m paying $100 (which I don’t really have) which raises the stakes and you have to make an appointment to go, which raises the motivation, because someone is waiting for you to show up. If you don’t show, they charge you even more for missing the class. This is a “put my money where my typing fingers are” situation. I singed up for 3 months and I have now gone to 2 classes. And get this, one of them was at 6:30 in the morning! Never in my 33 years have I ever gotten up that early to work out. And I gotta say, it wasn’t bad. Its a small step, but man, its one that’s taken me years to even attempt. I’ll keep you posted on how my commitment to this goes. Maybe there is something small you’d like to commit to. Just as an experiment. See what happens.