Dropping the Ball

It has been a year, almost to the day since I wrote a post. Why is that? Got busy? Forgot? Made other things a bigger priority? Nope…in an effort to practice what I preach, the radical honesty of it is…I let my own insecurities derail me. I became embarrassed (ashamed maybe) of putting myself and my thoughts out there. I started feelings like I didn’t really know what I wanted this to be or if I was brave enough to keep going in order to find out. I dropped the ball in a game against myself.

In college I took a bunch of acting classes and in one of those classes we were given this b0ok. The Inner Game of Tennis by W. Timothy Gallwey. Why give a bunch of theater nerds a book about professional level tennis techniques? Because no matter if the game you are playing is championship tennis, office politics, or just trying to get through writing a blog post, every game is at its core, a game with yourself. Or, according to this book, your inner 2 selves. The one who wants to do something and knows how to do it, and the one who is doubtful, chatty, and more often than not, in the way. This book really breaks down how to differentiate your two selves and keep the chatty one busy, so the doing one can actually do the doing. I recommend checking it out!

All of us, even those at the top of our game, have moments where our head gets in the way of us DOING. Sometimes our mind becomes a run away train of “I can’t. I’m not good enough” and “What will people think”. Sometimes its even more tricky and throws out “Let’s practice more or take another class before really trying” or “I’m not ready yet, I’ll do it when I feel its the right time”. But we all know that doesn’t exist. There is no magical time when we will suddenly feel comfortable, confident, or “ready”. Those feelings come after the doing has already started.

Let me say that again, for myself, as well as anyone reading. Feelings of comfort, confidence and readiness come AFTER the doing. You have to bring your doubt, your fear, your discomfort with you when you take the first step. Acknowledge them, give them a pep talk and bring them along. That’s what I am going to try to do this year. Take more action steps and if my challenging feelings insist on sticking around, then they can come along for the ride.

Radical Honesty: Let’s Get Vulnerable!

What is meant by radical honesty? Radical honesty means you not only identify what your are feeling and why you are feeling it, but also get vulnerable and link that ‘why’ to the deeper why. Here is an example to clarify that point. Say you have a pang of jealousy when your best friend makes a new friend. You identify the emotion: jealousy. You identify the why: because you fear losing your friend. Radical honesty would be to identify the deeper why: that you feel you are not enough and fear being abandoned and replaced. Maybe you’ve experienced something similar in the past and this reopens an old wound. With radical honesty you challenge yourself to dig deep and own your fears, insecurities, and past pain. Trust me, I know its not easy. But I also guarantee that the clarity you uncover is the only way to really move past emotions you want to resolve.

Now I also want to make a point that radical honesty does not mean getting into a victim frame of mind. It is meant to be used as a tool to build yourself up, not tear yourself down.

Just because you may be feeling a low or negative emotion does not mean you always will. The goal is to take the sting out of that deeper why so it doesn’t produce those negative emotions. So how do we go about taking the sting out? Let those emotions hit the air. They have to come out, whether directly to someone, into a journal, through physical exercise, or in some form of artistic expression.

Since delving into my own emotions like never before I’m not only learning about what I’m feeling, but also learning how to more honestly and openly share them. That is a huge achievement for me and I am noticing that there are some positive side effects that I get from doing that other than just working through my emotions. It’s enabling me to connect with people and also create more understanding, especially during arguments. Here is an example of what I mean.

My roommate is my sister, so we already have a closer bond than a typical roommate situation. We have a wine holder on the wall, so its both a practical place to hold wine, and also kind of acts like an art piece on the wall. Recently, my sister and her new boyfriend have been drinking wine more regularly. One day, I came down and saw that there was an empty space in the wine holder, so I went to our stash of wine in our cabinet and replaced it. I chose to replace it with a bottle of wine that was a gift from a friend for my birthday. A couple days later, that bottle of wine was gone too. I asked my sister if she drank that bottle. She said yes, and that she didn’t realize it was mine and she would replace it. I told her it was fine, but that I didn’t want her to replace it because it was a gift and so it was more about the sentiment than the wine itself. She got defensive and we started to argue. It was dumb. But about halfway through, I realized, I wasn’t mad about the wine. I was mad because I felt left out. I saw bottles of wine being drunk and because I have not had an occasion to drink them felt like I didn’t matter.

Normally, that would be a super embarrassing thing to admit. But, I said it out loud. For the first time, I wanted to be heard and understood instead of being right. So, I blurted it out. And you know what? It worked. My sister looked at me and something clicked. She wasn’t defensive anymore, I wasn’t mad anymore, we were just cool. She has been more aware of replacing wines she drinks, offering me a glass if I’m around, and I know that in those small gestures I’m being reassured that I do matter.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes when you spell out your emotions like this it all seems so trivial. But, its the only way to build up your own emotional strength. Just like a muscle, you gotta work it out to get healthier.

Let Your Emotions Be Your Guide

Here is the thing. If you are anything like me you have spent your whole life trying to avoid your emotions. Some people get thrashed up and down and left and right by their emotions, like a ship on stormy seas, but for many, its just easier to ignore them. Mask them or simply not feel them by finding ways to numb themselves or distract themselves. That’s not hard to do in our world these days. But the truth is emotions have a purpose. They are a compass that point us in the direction of things that need attention. Things within ourselves or things in our outer world. Whether you believe in a higher power, god, the universe, whatever, or not, you can at least believe in yourself. And sometimes, just like your car, your body, or your computer, your spirit needs to be checked up and maintained.

What and why are two questions that will get you started. What am I feeling and why am I feeling it. It might sound a little simplistic, but more often than not we don’t know what we are feeling, let alone why we are feeling it. So the best place to start is to identify what exactly you are feeling. Some emotions are similar to each other or like to hide in other emotions that are easier to access. For example, anger can sometimes be easier to access than say fear, or sadness. So, we may default into, “I’m angry!” when in reality we are feeling hurt in some way. If you have spent a good amount of time ignoring feelings it might be helpful to look up a list of different emotions and test some out. Here is a list to get you started.

Some people may be so tuned out to their emotions that they avoid them before they can even truly feel them. That’s ok. This is a process and the more you check in with yourself, even just at random times of the day, the more aware you will become and the more accessible your emotions will become. You might even test yourself. Take a walk, watch a movie, or listen to a song and see if any emotions stir up. Sometimes its easier to go outside of yourself, take an action, and then come back and check in with yourself.

When trying to feel your emotion get out of your head. That is not where emotions live. Thoughts live in the head, emotions live in the body. I like to imagine tuning out of my mind and placing my attention to my gut or my heart area and really trying to feel what is there. It takes some practice, but you’ll find it. Maybe you want to travel your attention throughout your body…see what feels right. Its like scanning a metal detector wand over your body, but with the intention of finding feelings.

This is literally self discovery. Be open to whatever you have to say to you!

Once you start to identify the emotions you are feeling, ask yourself why am I feeling this? Fair warning, this is not easy either. It has taken me weeks, even months to figure out why I was feeling a certain way about a situation. Be patient with yourself. Unfortunately, most of the time we don’t just have one emotion linked to one event and that’s it. It would be so much easier if it worked that way! Usually its a mix of feelings linked to an event and that event may be similar to a past event that made us feel the same way and that is linked to another event that is linked to a belief we have. Its a whole network at play and you can find yourself going down a rabbit hole. We can discuss what to do once you identify the network at play later. For now, don’t let this get out of hand and spiral and don’t try to force it. Let the discovery unfold in its own time.

Why Even Do This?

The reason we need to pinpoint our feelings and the ‘why’ behind them is because armed with that information we can steer ourselves towards what is best for us. What needs to be changed to help us feel better and healthier, mentally and physically.

This can be awkward at first, but once you give in to the process and really delve into what you are feeling a whole world opens up. Our inner worlds are such mysteries even to ourselves and a little clarity never hurts, in fact, it will actual help guide us towards healing.

Let me know if this helps at all or if you make any discoveries of your own!